The Save The Marriage Podcast

by Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

22m

average length

207

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Learn how to save your marriage and improve your relationship. Stop your divorce and restore a loving relationship. Join Dr. Lee H. Baucom for this impactful podcast that can save your marriage.

Best The Save The Marriage Podcast episodes upvoted by the community

Last updated on May 30, 2020, 11:00 am

#3

Am I Against Therapy?

January 24, 2019 • 22m

I spent way more time in school than I would like.  To be honest, I never enjoyed school.  Not when I was a kid.  Not in high school.  Not in college.  And not in 3 rounds of grad school (2 Master's and 1 Ph.D.). But I spent that time in school because I had a goal.  To be a therapist.  So, I did extensive training, focusing on marriage and family therapy. So why am I critical of therapy? Partly because I have seen it from the inside.  Partly because I have seen the outcome studies of therapy -- particularly marital therapy. Which raises the question:  am I opposed to therapy? The answer:  not in theory.  And not even in some specifics. When couples are ready to make changes, and when they work with a therapist who is specifically trained in marriage and family therapy theory, and who is skilled... the outcome can be excellent. I know many couples who have benefitted.  And I know some pretty amazing therapists. But overall, the stats are not good.  At least, in terms of saving marriages.  1/2 of all marriages that get therapy end up divorced -- the same stat that applies to the general population. There are some specific reasons why therapy often falls short.  Some have to do with therapy/therapist.  Some have to do with clients/couples. I discuss why there are issues in this week's Save The Marriage Podcast. RELATED RESOURCES: How To NOT Save Your Marriage Problems with Therapy What Your Therapist WON'T Tell You How to Guarantee Therapy FAILS If you have tried therapy and it didn't work, or if you don't want to do therapy, please grab my Save The Marriage System

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#7

Secrets To A Conscious Partnership

May 09, 2019 • 29m

When a marriage is struggle, stuck, and painful, you are likely stuck in an unconscious relationship.  Unconscious dynamics continue to push and pull at both of you, leading to disagreement, dissent, and disdain. But it does not have to get stuck there.  It is possible to make a powerful shift from an unconscious relationship to a conscious partnership. There has to be a starting point, right? Guess what? Just knowing that you are stuck in unconscious relating IS the first step.  Really, step zero.  Because until you are there, you can't take any further steps.  As with most things, once we recognize that something is the problem, we have taken a huge step in getting ready to take a step to resolve. Strange, right?  Nothing has changed.  But everything has changed.  It is a paradigm shift.  And until you make that shift, you can't build into the new paradigm. A full conscious partnership is your goal, whether you knew it or not.  You want to be powerfully shifting into a new level of partnership where the unconscious crap does not continue to sabotage your relating.  You want, instead, to be relating from a point of connection and consciousness. Most people, at this point, tell me the "just don't have time or energy to devote to that."  Until I point out how much time and energy they are already devoting to the hurt, pain, and discomfort of where things are.  Might as well make sure the time and energy are more constructive than destructive. In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I interview Alexandra Stockwell about how you can begin to build a conscious partnership.  We discuss steps you can take to make a shift from the unconscious to the conscious.  (For the full interview, join Relationship Rewrite for access.) RELATED RESOURCES Alexandra Stockwell's Website Choosing Responsible Relationship Rewrite

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#8

Moving Forward… One Way or The Other…

September 19, 2019 • 23m

"I need some encouragement," the note ended.  The writer is a listener of my podcast and admitted the hard work that has gone into trying to save his marriage. At the same time, another listener asked about whether this effort -- the work to save her marriage -- was just a "waste of time."  Could I, the writer wanted to know, point to some hope?  Some reason to continue the efforts. If you haven't felt like these two writers, I'd be surprised.  And would be super-surprised if it did not emerge at some point in the process. Working on a marriage crisis can feel like a slow slog through a deep bog, hip-high in quicksand and sludge.  It can feel like it threatens to pull you under. Those are the times we need some encouragement and direction.  Some... as one asked... hope, and as the other asked... encouragement. I don't believe in false hope.  I tell it like it is... and encourage you to take the steps you need to take.  I shoot straight and tell the truth.  So, first, let me say that I do not (and have never) claim that every marriage can be saved.  Even if you do everything right, your spouse may still refuse to move toward the relationship. I also know that there are two good outcomes.  First is to save your marriage.  Second is to rest assured that you did everything you could do to save your marriage. My encouragement:  There is one way through this.  And that is THROUGH this.  Regardless of outcome, YOU WILL BE OK.  And YOU get to choose how you respond to this and every other challenge in life.  So respond the best you can.  Do your best.  Rest in that knowledge. Oh, and make sure you prepare yourself to do your best.  Equip and execute.  You've GOT this! RELATED RESOURCES Connection Versus Confusion Can Every Marriage Be Saved? Can This Marriage Be Saved? "How I Saved My Marriage" Control What You Can You Need A Plan The Save The Marriage System

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#10

Time for a Relationship Reset?

April 09, 2020 • 22m

Unless you are hiding out in a cave somewhere (I read about a person who had been on a silent retreat — went in with everything normal and came out to the pandemic), your world has been topsy-turvy. We will get through this.  The pandemic will pass.  But this isn’t about, “and then, we will get back to life.”  Life is happening right now.  And we won’t be going “back to normal,” either.  There are some fundamental changes happening in culture.  We didn’t just hit “pause” when people went into isolation.  And we won’t simply “un-pause” when it is safe to un-isolate. Society is in for a shift.  How it shifts, that depends upon us, the members of society.  There is, I believe, great potential for a shift to what really matters.  Not what we have been believing matters.  It won’t be about money, power, or prestige.  It will be about meaning, purpose, connection, and character.  (At least, that is my hope.) Why does that matter?  How does that affect your marriage?  I believe there is an opportunity, in the midst of the chaos, for a “Relationship Reset.”  It is an opportunity to reconsider the crisis and find a way to resolve it by staying married, not by leaving. Discover the 3 reasons why this might be the time for a Reset, and 3 things to do to facilitate it in this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast.  Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES What Now? Saving a Marriage in the Pandemic Staying the Course in a Crisis (or 2) Coping as a Couple in Quarantine Being a Team Save The Marriage System

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#11

Don’t Blame Valentine!

February 15, 2018 • 20m

Let me just say, from the outset, I AM a fan of romance. That said, I DON'T like when "romantic feelings" are used as the yardstick for a marriage.  If you are dating someone and have no romantic feelings, ever, that is a reason for concern.  If you have been married for awhile and are not feeling the romance... that is something to work on.  Not a reason to walk away. Which brings us to the last couple of days. Today (the day this episode comes out) is Valentine's Day.  According to tradition, it honors a priest, Valentine. During the reign of Emperor Claudius II in third century Rome, Valentine disobeyed the emperor.  Claudius had decided that young single men made good soldiers.  Not so good when attached to a love.  So, he forbade marriage. But Valentine persisted in marrying young couples in love. And according to tradition, he paid the price of disobeying with his life. There are other twists and turns to the history of Valentine's day.  But the fact remains that the day is in honor of St. Valentine. Which is the point I think we miss.  He stood for marriage.  Not just romance.  Marriage.  He didn't condone love.  He supported marriage.  He married those in love.  It was not him trying to get people to fall in love.  He was marrying those in love. Why does that matter? Because of how we have elevated the feeling of being "in love."  Otherwise known as infatuation.  An unsustainable rush of excitement and adrenaline that acts like obsession and addiction.  But has somehow become the yardstick of a successful marriage. Is it great when those emotions resurface throughout a marriage?  Absolutely. But when they become the yardstick... trouble. Listen to the podcast for more. RELATED RESOURCES: Kill Cupid Connection Adrenaline vs. Endorphin Attraction Save The Marriage System

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#15

It’s a NO… (unless you ask/try)

January 10, 2019 • 25m

It is probably the most frequent question I get... "Should I try to save my marriage?"  I get it in conversations, voicemails, emails, even by Messenger the other day.  People often give me a few (sometimes, very few) details about their relationship and want my professional opinion on whether they should try to save their marriage (or keep trying). Truth is, that is a decision I cannot and will not make.  Each person has to decide whether they want to try and save the marriage.  I can't make that choice for them. But I do think there are some pretty important things to consider, as you try to answer that question. One thing, after nearly 3 decades of helping people with their marriages, I know is the outcome of NOT working on their relationship.  NOT trying is almost certainly NOT saving the relationship.  There is a high probability that not taking action will lead to the marriage ending. The real choice is NOT saving the marriage or PERHAPS saving the marriage. Is it possible that you put forth effort... really dig in... really give it your best effort... and your marriage still fails.  But it is nearly guaranteed that if you don't take action, your marriage will end.  And it is highly possible that you put in the effort... and your marriage is saved. The choice is your choice.  But it is a NO... unless you try. Let's talk about that choice in this week's Save The Marriage Podcast RELATED RESOURCES Save The Marriage System Deciding versus Feeling "Do Anything" is Not a Plan Show Up Why It Matters

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#18

Co-Dependence, Independence, and Interdependence – Listener’s Question

July 04, 2019 • 18m

Here we are, Independence Day in the United States, marking the moment when the young colonies rejected ties to the British Crown. So many times, I have people "declare their independence" from their marriage... somehow seeing marriage as about dependence.  In our culture, any connection and reliance on someone else is often labeled as "dependence" or "codependence."  In reaction, people want to shift to "independence." In the healthiest of marriages, there is "interdependence."  You can have your own identity AND rely upon another person.  You can have separate roles and responsibilities, but ones that support each other, AND not be codependent.  But interdependent. Where does dependence, though, cross over to codependence?  That word... that label... is so overused that we rarely remember what it originally meant (I explain it in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast below). It is true, some couples and individuals ARE overly reliant on a spouse for emotional support and help.  It is also true that every couple should be able to rely on the relationship for emotional support.  But what is healthy?  When does it become UN-healthy? Colleen wrote in and asked (and YOU can submit a question, too, by CLICKING HERE and emailing it), and it is an important question -- is this codependence, and how can you deal with it? Listen below to learn about dependence, independence, codependence, and interdependence, in your own marriage. RELATED RESOURCES Needs in Marriage Emotional Connection Managing Your Emotions Your Support Team Self-Expansion Save The Marriage System

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